Go and Be Reconciled (Matt 18:15)

It is hard to make it an entire day without being offended by something or someone. Our pride, if left unchecked, is sensitive to the words and actions of others and is easily wounded. We must pray for wisdom to discern between an offense given and an offense taken. What if someone said, “You are not as dumb as you look.”? Is that a compliment or an insult? If possible, we seek to assume (unless we have overwhelming evidence to the contrary) that someone isn’t intending to offend. But, even if they are intending to offend, we should strive to overlook the offense. What do we do if someone has sinned against us and, after prayerful determination, we realize we cannot overlook it? Our Lord Jesus commands us to go to them and seek to be reconciled.

If You Have Sinned Against Someone

Before we answer the important question of whether or not we can overlook an offense against us, we must discuss what we must do when we realize we have sinned against someone else. While it is natural to seek to downplay/excuse our own sins, we must not. When you become aware that you have sinned against someone else, go to them as soon as possible to confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. Jesus said in Matt 5:23-24, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” According to Jesus, reconciliation is such a high priority that it even takes priority over making your sacrificial offerings to God. According to Judy Dabler, Christian counselor, the elements of full confession are:

Describe specifically your sinful words, actions, attitudes, and their impact.
Express responsibility and sorrow.
Engage the consequences by asking the offended party for what they need.
Describe what you should have done differently and what you intend to do differently.
Seek forgiveness by asking for it.

Why should we do this? Because Jesus said so! Why does Jesus want us to do this? Because the world will know that we are Christians by the love we have for one another (John 13:35).

If Someone Has Sinned Against You

What if someone has sinned against you and they are not coming to you seeking forgiveness and reconciliation? You have tried to overlook it, but you can’t. You must go to him privately and tell him what he has done; doing so in a Christ-honoring way. Before you ever speak to the other person, you must have met with God in prayer and had Him begin to change your heart. Hopefully, He is regularly taking your bitterness and resentment and replacing it with peace and love. In these times of prayer you are avoiding gossip, evaluating your role, and searching your heart. You may want to seek appropriate counsel from someone mature in their faith who can help you determine if you need to speak with the other person about the offense. This is not to get a sympathetic audience but to seek wisdom. Make the intentional decision to forgive him and follow Jesus’ instruction found in Matthew 18:15. Go with justification, go in humility, and go for reconciliation.

Go with Justification

In Matthew 18:15, Jesus said that “if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” Jesus instructs us to convince them with solid, compelling evidence of their sin against us. You shouldn’t meet with the person just to blame them for how they made you feel. You are responsible for your reactions, not them. Instead of saying, “You made me angry, you should apologize.”; you should say, “You insulted me, you should apologize.” This is not Festivus. You are not to gather others around you and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year! You should only approach the person if you can offer proof of the offense and show that it is sinful.

Go in Humility

When you meet with your brother you humbly recognize that you are a sinner who has been saved by grace. You accept responsibility for your actions and approach graciously. It is appropriate to share how someone has hurt/harmed you, but this is not primarily a time to vent your frustrations. Keep in mind that you are not the Holy Spirit. It is not your responsibility to convict the other person of sin or to enforce certain behavioral modifications. Your responsibility in confronting is to be an instrument in Jesus’ hands to help them hear from the Holy Spirit. Instead of being angry and yelling at them (“You are a horrible person!”) for their offense or using emotionally manipulative language (“If you don’t do something about this then you will regret it!”), speak calmly imploring them to consider your words (“I know this isn’t easy to hear. I struggle with this as well. I am bringing this to your attention because it was hurtful to me and I care about you.”)

Go for Reconciliation

When you meet with your brother you remember that the purpose of the meeting is not to get vengeance on them or to “get even” with them. You don’t approach them to win an argument, but to win your brother. The purpose is to reconcile. Jesus said, “if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Paul David Tripp wrote about the Four Step Road Map for Biblical Confrontation:

Consideration: What does God want the person to see?
Confession: What does God want the person to admit and confess?
Commitment: To what new ways of living is God calling this person?
Change: How should these new commitments be applied to daily living?

Use God-honoring speech and implore them to hear you because you love them and care about their spiritual growth. If they repent of their sin against you, immediately grant forgiveness to them. This should be easy to do because you should have already forgiven them! Hopefully, God has softened your heart towards them before you approached them. When you go to them for the purpose of reconciliation there will be great rejoicing when the relationship is reconciled.

But, what if they refuse to repent? There is good news and bad news. The bad news is that the relationship is not reconciled. In some instances, the relationship may worsen after the meeting. The good news is that you have been obedient to God in doing what you have been called to do. Also, your joy, peace, and hope can remain because these things come from God. Jesus sustains you during these times. What happens next will be discussed in more detail next week.